Marriage Is More Than A Piece of Paper, Mrs Kelley-- In Fact, Sometimes People Have the Real Thing WITHOUT The Paper

Today is my 12th wedding anniversary, and I was going to write a witty (yeah, right!) rant about 12 things the Man does that aggrevate me. Including the fact that he will probably not even NOTE that it is our anniversary and that if he DID give me a gift, it would not be the sort of thing that the Desperate Housewives of my aquaintance would think is a "real" anniversary gift.

But instead, I am going to count my blessings and turn my vitriol on Marguerite Kelley, who writes "The Family Almanac" in the Washington Post. This is a quote from her Friday column to a newlywed who wants a baby, but whose husband is balking at the idea:

You are, after all, in the first year of your marriage, when a couple's relationship is tested as it never was before -- even a couple who have lived together for six years. In your case, you moved from a casual living-in approach to life to a permanent commitment.

Dear Mrs Kelley,

I hate to break it to you, but this is 2006, not 1906. And your view of live-in relationships is a wee bit archaic, to say the least.

When I moved in with the Man, I left my hometown, my job and my family to make a new life with him. And it was a committment as permanent and strong as any "legal" bride's.

In the 5 1/2 years we lived together without benefit of that marriage license, we went through his unemployment, return to school, and a series of temporary jobs till he finally got permanent work.  We dealt with the problems and frustrations I experienced at my new job. We had a major car accident, I was diagnosed  with asthma (and  other stress related illness) and we lost a beloved pet. In other words "richer, poorer, sickness and health".

We loved each other, but at times we didn't LIKE each other. Yet, somehow, neither of us had the notion that our relationship was some "casual" thing that we could just walk away from any time we pleased. We WORKED at it.

Yes, we finally did get married. But it was just putting a legal seal on something we had committed ourselves to years before. How on god's green earth could adding that official piece of paper to our lives have challenged it more?

Frankly, if anything, it made it easier. The Man got my health benefits and we had a nice simple way to explain our relationship....

Our marriage isn't perfect. But I'd say we've done as well as the cute little couples who "get engaged for Christmas" or other such,have storybook weddings that cost them a year's take home pay, and STILL end up in divorce court because they really didn't get that marriage isn't about weddings, or honeymoons. 

They're about what happens when the flowers are dead, the cake's nothing but crumbs, the dress is hanging in the closet and the wedding photos all in an album on the shelf.

They're about living life, day by day, through the good and the bad. Especially the bad. That's the real test of your relationship.

SC was born a year after we got married.. And I suspect that the health problems we went through during my pregnancy and the normal problems of raising kids we have endured since were made a bit less difficult because we had HAD that committed relationship long before we had kids!

And Mrs Kelley, because of the ignorance and prejeudice in our society there are thousands of couples who can't have that marriage license. But they live together, care for each other,raise children together and grow old together with the same amount of committment and caring as we in our "real" marriages do.

Maybe you should think about that before you write another condescending, patronizing column like the one you wrote this week.

Sincerely yours,

The Library Lady

P.S. There are a lot of terrific libraries and children's bookstores in the D.C. area. Might I suggest you find someone COMPETENT to consult before you make any more book recommendations? Yours seem to come straight from Amazon.com or something................

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